Chapter five: Departure

At some point a Being Entrepreneur must take the leap and move from an arm’s length relationship with their vision to fully stepping into it and embodying it. In this rite of passage some parts of ourselves get left behind. Perhaps it's a job or relationship that we have outgrown. Or maybe it's a deeply held belief or thought pattern that no longer serves us. Shedding the comforts of who we have been, and fully embracing who we are becoming, makes room for the exciting adventures that lie ahead.

Somewhere around 2010, I was introduced to the idea of past lives. It was not such a far stretch for me to believe that our spirit or soul has had past incarnations and will continue to have them in the future as well. I was fascinated by the idea that connecting with my past life could give more context to the human experience I am having today.

What I discovered, working with a past life guide, was that I had been a soldier in the first or second world war. This person helped me remember a specific moment in time, on the battlefield, when I could have played an important role in brokering peace and reconciliation. At some level I knew I had the gift of opening hearts and creating space for understanding but I was overcome by fear and chose to remain in the background and not act in that critical moment in time.

Having had this vivid experience made me realize that our life purpose probably doesn’t change much as we transition between lives. What changes is our readiness and willingness to fully step into it. What this experience taught me was that I had once again arrived at an important fork in the road.

Now was the time to lean in and fully commit to my purpose despite the overwhelming fear around the unknown. There was a profound awareness that if I didn’t seize this opportunity now then it would simply come back knocking at my door, even more powerfully, at some point in the future.

At work it was clear that the freedom I had been given to experiment with transformational coaching on the fringes of my job would not translate into a dedicated position. The gap between my lofty ideas and the pragmatism of the organization was simply too big. To their credit, the HR leader did hear me out and genuinely attempted to understand what I had in mind. However, it seemed my future, for now at least, lied elsewhere. Not having been able to make it work internally, I was now sure that resigning from my 10-year corporate career was the right thing to do. I knew in my heart that I had come to that important fork in the road. I could feel a huge energy pulling me towards something new.

It was this energy that one day propelled me to blurt out: “I’m ready to move on” while having coffee with my boss. I had not planned to do this when I left home that morning, nor had I aligned this big decision with my family beforehand. At some level I knew that asking for my wife’s support would have led to lengthy discussions about the pros and cons with the possibility of fear taking over. This was a decision coming from a deep knowing that I had to take on my own. So, when I came home that evening with the big news, it was of course met with resistance and fear. At this point my lofty ideas were even more out of touch with reality than they had appeared to the HR leaders within the company (at least they had a decent understanding of the coaching concept). My family was genuinely concerned that I had lost my way.

I understood the fear, and even anger, for not having included my wife in the decision making. All I could ask was for her to trust me and join me in believing that everything would work out. I’d use the next six months of transition time to craft my business plan and make my grand coaching ideas more concrete. Surely this would help to bring her on board.

Unknowingly at the time I was putting pressure on myself to prove to my family that this decision was not a mistake. The story in my head was shifting. Concrete results - clients, projects, revenue…- would need to come relatively soon. I needed a business plan. Soon enough I was doing all the same things I had been conditioned to do during my working career, expecting that meticulous planning would be the key ingredient for success. I was approaching the launch of my coaching practice as I would the launch of a new laundry detergent. In hindsight this seems comical but at the time this was all I knew. So the last six months before resigning were filled thinking about my target audience, USP, RTB, 4P’s, etc.…

I had contracted a designer for the logo and website. And I had a three-year roadmap that would bring me back to the same level of income as I had before leaving. Most importantly, I had an inspiring name I was going to stand behind. My coaching practice would be called: Inner Voice Calling. It was a bold statement beautifully capturing who I was as a person and what I thought the world needed at the time.

Businesses had lost touch with their essence, their soul. I could see myself helping them reconnect with that inner voice, listen to it and then from that inner place, unleash a new wave of creativity and innovation. If it had worked for me personally then why wouldn’t it work for organizations struggling to find their way in these uncertain times. In my eyes it was a solid proposition. Even though the market wasn’t explicitly asking for such a proposition, I could feel that the underlying need was there. Surely my enthusiasm and conviction could be the bridge between what the market needs and what they want.

I was on track for a January 1st, 2010 launch. What I didn’t know at the time was that I had fallen victim to another spell. This time it wasn’t the energies of my clients pulling me off track, it was the illusion of control and my fixation on short term success that had its grip on me.

Carl Jung once said: “The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of its parents”. Looking back now, it occurs to me that my actions were in part motivated by a sense of rebellion towards my father and grandfather, which brings me back to the beginning of this story. My father had wanted to pursue a life as an artist, but my grandfather encouraged him to go into business. Unconsciously this “play it safe” approach to life was also passed on to me.

Therefore, breaking away from this pattern came with a great sense of responsibility. The burden of proof that another way was possible was now lying with me. If I could make it happen then the future of my kids and the generations afterwards would also be free to live the life of their dreams.

So, beneath the surface, well beyond my awareness at the time, a lot was at play. These intergenerational dynamics were adding to the pressure I was feeling to manifest my new business and successfully prove that the big ideas about organizational transformation would soon translate into concrete projects. This “spell” would on the one hand fuel great creativity and on the other hand lead to defensive behavior. Since failure, or changing course, was not an option, I found myself in a place of needing approval and positive acknowledgments more than I usually would. Constructive feedback, or criticism, of Inner Voice Calling and the approach I was taking was met with resistance. I had convinced myself that having the support from close friends and family was critical to the success of this endeavor. Once again, I had given my power away.

Despite all of the pressure I was putting on myself, I gave it my best shot. The first six months of Being Entrepreneurship were solely focused on getting my first clients. I had reached out to all my contacts and, given the good personal relationship I had built up with them over the years, they often gave me the opportunity to present my new business and explore ways in which I could support them. My passion, courage and conviction came through most of the time. Prospects would acknowledge and admire this but at the end of the day there was nothing they could do for me. The ideas were simply too far removed from their stated priorities that they couldn’t find a way to bring me in, even if they wanted to.

At the same time many of my old colleagues were observing from a distance, skeptical but curious to see if I would be able to pull this off. Every time I was asked how things were going, I had to put on a brave face and dig deep inside to keep my energy strong. I had a few coaching clients but none of them really bought into Inner Voice Calling. They simply trusted me as a person.

On one occasion I remember a client carefully asking me if I could invoice them as an independent coach rather than through my company name. Although they didn’t explicitly say so, I suspect it had to do with them not feeling comfortable handing over an Inner Voice Calling invoice to their finance department.

It didn’t take long before my own inner voice started to feel shaky. Answering the “how are things going” question became more and more difficult. My confidence dropped and from there it didn’t take long to reach my breaking point.

In parallel to the slow start of my new business I was also finding my way in this new role as a stay-at-home dad. I hadn’t expected that stripping away my well-respected corporate persona would have such a profound effect on my sense of self-worth. I imagined the neighbors or parents from my kid’s school wondering to themselves if I had lost my job or if I was suffering from a burnout. Their perceived pity seemed to only increase when I hesitantly told them about my “exciting” new business venture.

So, while doors were closing on the business front, I was also feeling isolated at home. Spending more time with the kids was my greatest source of joy. Perhaps better than anyone, they could feel the significance and importance of the steps I was taking. They were also genuinely curious about the new path I was walking on.

I remember one day my 5-year-old son asking me what “coaching” is. It was great getting that question from him as it forced me to strip down this idea to its essence. I told him it was about helping people discover what they love doing and then building their life around that. He was silent for a while and then, innocently asked: “How can a coach know what other people love doing”? It was such a simple, yet profound, observation which further opened up the conversation.

I went on to say that the beauty of coaching is that the coach doesn’t need to know what is right for the other person. They simply need to believe, and deeply trust, that we all already have the answers inside of us. The idea that a coach holds space and asks questions rather than advises or mentors resonated deeply with my five-year-old son. He intuitively understood this new paradigm of learning that was still so foreign to most people. These were the precious moments that fueled me with new energy and inspiration.

Having so much quality time with my 3-year-old daughter and 5-year-old son was incredibly rewarding and a real contrast to the way it was when I was still in a 9-5 job. During that time, my wife and I would drop the kids off at day-care around 7:30am and pick them up at 18:30pm, 5 days per week. The evenings were hectic. We needed to prepare dinner, get the kids ready for bed and then hop back on to our laptops to complete unfinished work from the office. The little time we had together in the evening was far from enjoyable. There was no time to switch off and become present for each other. Instead, the fatigue of the long day often led to arguments.

It was also the weight of this dysfunctional family life that eventually pushed me to resign. What I didn’t yet fully comprehend at the time was how much joy and inspiration I would get from being a stay-at-home dad. The kids made me feel fully alive again. Even though the new business was floundering, I could feel my creative juices coming back. The following poem, which I wrote on my daughter’s first day of school, is an example of that.

September 4th, 2012

To my daughter on her first day of school:

Go learn to read and write

But keep your dreams in sight

When told what is wrong and right

Listen to your inner light

If at times you feel incomplete

Focus on what makes you unique

May innocence and wonder

Guide you through the thunder

And reveal the truths down under

Back in the quiet of the home

I feel somewhat alone

It’s like the first day for me too

I ponder what to do

Are my dreams in sight?

Can I listen to my inner light?

You inspire me to try

Make it impossible to lie

You give me hope

To climb this slippery slope

Your smile warms my heart

I am ready to restart

The steps I had taken to follow my purpose were great, but I was starting to realize that they were just the very first steps of a much longer journey. It was naive for me to think that such an ambitious career / life change would come with short term impact. However, it wasn’t surprising. In my mind, it felt like I had already travelled such a long way. The coaching school had been a 12 months investment, leaving a well-paying job was a momentous move and creating a new business proposition all felt like a lifetime's work, even though it had only been two years. It wasn’t easy to gain this perspective and acknowledge that all the hard work and turmoil I had experienced in the last years was only a fraction of what lay ahead.

Six months into my entrepreneurial venture, I hit a wall. Keep on doing the same things, expecting different results was no longer possible. Something foundational needed to change but I had no idea what that was. All I knew was that going back to a corporate job or even positioning myself as a freelance market researcher was not an option.

This inner tension built up until one day, in the middle of a sleepless night, I got up at 3am, walked out into the woods and screamed. I didn’t stop until all the pain, anger, resentment, self-pity and frustration was released.

When I woke up the next morning, everything was different. I felt lighter, freer, something had shifted deep inside. Although the neighbors may not have heard me, the Universe certainly did. It effortlessly received the burden I was carrying and in doing so I could surrender, let go and re-start my journey from a place of greater innocence and trust.